Steptoe and Son. era 1970
The Paper-chain. Colin French. February 2009
Scene 1: In Steptoe's Yard.
Harold enters yard with loaded horse and cart. Albert stands in yard waiting to greet Harold with a big grin on his face. Cart stops beside Albert.
Albert:
You had a good day son? Corr, looks like you've been busy (as he views the laden cart)
Harold:
I'm bleeding knackered; it's been nothing but stairs all day. Why doesn't everyone live in bungalows? them poxy tower-blocks, up and down and up and...........(Harold stops dead in his tracks when he notices his dad standing there looking unusually happy) Ello, and what's that smug look for Pater? You look like you lost a shilling and found a pound. Ear you ain't got 24 draws up av yer? (jumps down from cart)
Albert:
I've been out. He He.
Harold:
(walking round the cart untying the load) Pray let me guess, with that grin it's either the pictures, probably one of those smutty sordid films you an yer mates sneak off too mid afternoon….on a workday may I add. Yes Yes, Or maybe Doris down the café dropped some chips on the floor in-front of you and you ad a little peep. Ha ha ha. (banging shoulder to shoulder) Am I getting warm...On the other hand it could be that you've opened up a fresh slate down that new corner shop by the canal. Blimey mate, that didn't take you long, they only opened a week ago.
Albert:
Well yer wrong in all cases, yer sarki little sod. As a matter of fact I've been down the dog track.
Harold:
(pinching Albert's cheek) I do hope that happy, chirpy, crinkled chops of yours is about to announce dat you've won us a fortune…. for a change.
Albert:
Nope….didn't put a single bet on. (all smug)
Harold:
Crumbs dat ain't like you. Usually you comes back from the dogs with a frown on your face and nothing but fresh air in your pockets…… well I dunno about fresh.
Albert:
I ain't ever betting down there again. Bleeding twisters down that track, it's all rigged.
Harold:
How the hell can they rig dog races……no, don't tell me, they bung the dogs a nicker to take a dive. Is that it? He he.
Albert:
You can talk, dunno what you're being so cocky about, you never win either.
Harold:
That's purely because I'm in my experimental infancy of studying the form. I've realised that err….(trying to think of an excuse)………ol never mind all that, just tell me what your little secret is, after-all it ain't often I comes home to such a happy, smiling boat race. I'm intrigued father.
Albert:
Bog rolls.
Harold:
I beg yer pardon.
Albert:
I said bog rolls, hundreds of em. I've been and done the deal of a lifetime.
Harold:
Please Pater please, be a bit more precise….. what the bleeding how do yer mean by bog rolls, hundreds of em at that?
Albert:
Do you remember my ol mate Lenny Sherlock; he came round ere a couple of years back flogging second hand headstones?
Harold:
Do I remember ha ha (looking up to the sky) huh, how could I forget? I comes ome from work and you'd stuck one up on the mantelpiece. Dead proud of it you were. You couldn't wait to show me, could yer? Let me think now, err what did it say? (spelling it out) W-I-N-S-T-O-N-E Churchill I do believe, and correct if I'm wrong, he'd told you that they had to move Winston Churchill's grave cos of the new road going through and he was disposing of all the old headstones…… (Abruptly) Yes, course I bleeding remember him.
Albert:
O gawd, I'd forgotten all about that.
Harold:
How could you forget that? I bet you can recall what the local paper said, can't yer?
Albert:
(speaking quietly and looking at the ground, quotes…) Yer, I remember son, "Black mans cemetery raided, headstones stolen"
Harold:
Yes dat's right, I still don't know how you didn't smell a rat with them words and that date carved on it. What was it? "To my loving Brother, may the Hindu Gods receive you. 1929 - 1940" Love Lilly Belle". Them words will stick with me for the rest of my natural. Gawd dad, ---run the country, he was only eleven years old.
Albert:
That's not fair; you know I'd lost me glasses at the time.
Harold:
Christ mate, dem letters were big enough, I'm surprised you don't cart a white stick around with yer. Any-way what's all this about bog rolls and this dodgy Lenny bloke?
Albert:
I bumped into Lenny down the track and he asked if I'd be interested in some bog rolls. Course I was on me guard straight-a-way.
Harold:
Yer, yer, course you were dad. You'd ave made a good copper….......frying pan.
Albert:
When he explained it turned out he's in-charge of maintenance down there and cos of the new decimal currency coming in they've gotta change their paper dispensing machines and the stock of rolls they got left won't fit the new one's, so I snapped the lot up. 100 boxes with 100 rolls in each box. Only gave him a shilling a box.
Harold:
I don't believe…… (hand up, finger counting) That's err..10,000 bog rolls, what the hell we gonna do with 10,000 bleeding bog rolls. Gawd I dunno about a deal of a lifetime dad, more like they'll last us a life-time. Where's we gonna put 10,000 bog rolls err? (walking around in disbelief)
Albert:
I dunno Harold, I hadn't thought of that.
Harold:
That's just it mate, you don't think. Hang on a minute, what's this new decimal currency lark got to do with bog rolls?
Albert:
Well that's what I thought when he told me, so I asked him the same question.
Harold:
And what did he say?
Albert:
He said the new rolls coming out are wider and they simply won't fit the old machines. I thought it must be this new common market thingy, buying abroad and all that. Yer, come to think of it them foreign birds off the telly, they've got some lovely big arses on em. Corrr. Stands to reason don't it, they need wider paper.
Harold:
(thinking hard) Ear, when does he want them collected?
Albert:
I said we'd go round with the cart on Thursday.
Harold:
Corr that's a shame, it's only Tuesday.
Albert:
What's the day's got to do with it?
Harold:
I could av bottled it for a day if it had been tomorrow, make a change to use some real bog paper instead of them torn up bits of newspaper you bung in there, perhaps now I'll be allowed to use more than 3 pieces at a time, Ol no, and after all those years of perfecting the 3 stage wipe.
Albert:
(untying the horse, looking puzzled) What the bleeding hell is a three stage wipe?
Harold:
(Turns away from his dad and bends over) One up (moving his hand up his bum) One down (moving hand back-down) and one shine. (making circular motions with his hand) Ha ha ha.
Albert:
(closing his eyes and pulling a face) Arrr you, you dirty little devil.
Harold:
(still laughing) What's for dinner dad? I'm starving. I could eat a horse..... (turning to Hercules)…Opps sorry mate, I meant a cow. (starts unloading the cart) Yes father yes, I think you did very well, a fiver for a lifetime of pure luxury, very good, very good indeed. (Albert puts the horse away)
Scene 2: Lounge.
Harold has just sat down on the couch after turning the television on. Albert enters the room with a meal on a tray.
Albert:
(passing Harold his dinner) What's on the tele tonight Harold?
Harold:
About an inch of dust by the look of it.
Albert:
(snapping) what are yer trying to say, ay, I do my bit around here you know.
Harold:
A bit is the operative word here pater, When did you last do your bit of housework round here ah?
Albert:
Well I can't find the Hoover. I distinctly remember using it when I had that Avon lady bird calling round here a few days ago, but I ain't seen it since.
Harold:
Gawd blimey, that was bleeding weeks ago. Well spose dat explains the dung beatles I found in the carpet last Sunday, ere come to think of it, you never did tell me what happened with that bird.
Albert:
Corr, you should have seen it Harold, I opened the door and there she was, a right blonde smasher, legs right up to her armpits. Nearly swallowed me teeth.
Harold:
Yer, cor you kept that one quiet didn't yer?
Albert:
She's got a skirt on not much bigger than a pelmet, bristol's like a couple of Bobby Charlton's football's, smelling like a pampered Poodle's chuff.
Harold:
I missed it, I missed it, Stop it dad, your getting me going here.
Albert:
So I naturally invites her in.
Harold:
Corr she sounds better than Elsie Tanner.
Albert:
She might av looked better, but I'd av ten of Elsie any-day.........stuck up cow. She looked at me like I was something that she'd just scraped off er shoe.
Harold:
What a shame, if only I'd av been here, I could have talked her round. She probably took one look at you and thought it's gonna take more than a dab of brut to spruce that up.
Albert:
I don't think you'd av charmed this one son, she had her nose so far in the air you'd av thought she was on the cart following Hercules when he's having one of his bad guts days. She looked this place up and down as if I hadn't cleaned it for weeks. Christ, I'd only done it that day an all.
Harold:
Gawd, I wonder what she'd make of it now? (looking around the room) struth it ain't been cleaned since. So what happened?
Albert:
I still can't make out what went wrong really, even though she looked the part when it came down to selling the goods she was crap. She can't av had much medical training. I even offered her me best Petticoat shortbreads, wish I hadn't av bothered now. To good for her.
Harold:
Medical training? (looking confused) Bleeding hell this doesn't sound good, go on spit it out.
Albert:
She started laying out her bits on the table, Tubs of this, tubes of that when I asked her if she had anything for me farmers.
Harold:
(smirking all over his face, trying his hardest not to laugh) go on father, what did she say?
Albert:
She thought about it for a while, then she said she'd got sweet smelling oil, laced with carrot juice, a cabbage extract body scrub and they were in the process of developing a potato based lotion with essence of ginger. I said you can't walk round wearing that, you'd end up smelling like a greengrocers.
Harold:
(given up trying not to laugh. Laughing so much he can hardly talk) ....What....What..else...did..she..say.
Albert:
Silly cow started talking rubbish; she was blabbering on about not considering selling to the agricultural trade before, gawd only knows what the hell she was rabbiting on about. Then she offered me a sample to try. (Albert's now getting annoyed at Harold's laughter) what the bleeding hell you laughing at yer dozy great pillock.
Harold:
(Harold has put his dinner down and is now holding his stomach in pain with laughter) You didn't.....gawd it hurts.....please no, tell me you didn't.
Albert:
I looked her straight in the eye and said.... what here? She said of course, please be My guest, so I stood up, drops me trousers, bends over and slaps some on.
Harold:
(now crying with laughter, rolling on the couch) No, no, no.
Albert:
Stupid great cow jumped up shouting, grabbed her stuff and legged it out the house screaming her flaming head off. Frightened the bleeding life out of me, Should have been me screaming, cor did that stuff sting. It'll never catch on.
Harold:
(stands up, walks over to his father and leans to his ear) Dad, dad, sometimes you are the doziest twat you really are. (talking slow)Avon lady's sell cosmetics, scent and all that. They ain't bleeding trained chemists or doctors. They sell ladies toiletries, perfumes you know. (breaks down with laughter again).
Albert:
(mouth and eyes wide open slowly realising what he did) Oh my gawd. Oh my good gawd.
Scene 3: In Steptoe's yard. 8.30 am Thursday morning.
Albert has reined Hercules and lashed him to the cart and is brushing him with the yard broom.
Harold is sawing sheets of ply board so as to make extension sides and tail boards for the cart.
Both men are going to the dog track to collect the toilet rolls.
Albert:
Bloody idiot. I told you not to burn them bits of wood; I told you they were for the cart.
Harold:
I wish you'd pipe down; you're always the bleeding same if you thinks you gotta do a little bit of work. Moan, moan, moan. If you don't like it, in future, leave the buying and selling to me.
Albert:
They were the original greedy boards that came with this cart. (reminiscing) Yer mother, god rest her sole, used to slide them in place for me every morning. She was good like that. She'd always make sure I had a warm blanket, me sarnies and a fresh apple for the horse.
Harold:
(fixing up the last board to the cart, says to himself) Ol gawd, here he goes again.
Albert:
(still reminiscing) Then she'd stand at the door waving at me till I was out the gate, shouting, (imitating a women's voice) you be careful darling. Don't drive the horse to hard darling. And don't come back until that bleeding cart's full. Callous bitch she was at times. I'll tell yer, it took me three days sometimes to fill that poxy thing. greedy cow, she weren't happy with any short measures.
Harold:
(looks his dad up and down) Christ mate, she made an exception with you then. Ha ha. You didn't moan when you sat round the fire, did yer? So stop moaning now. Those boards were rotten anyway. Look you just go in and get the breakfast ready. I'm nearly done here. Gawd, what a start to the day.
(Just then a flash car pulls up outside and a well dressed Pakistani gentleman enters the yard and walks up to the Steptoe's He introduces himself with a very broad Indian accent, but trying to sound cockney)
Pakistani:
Good morning governors, me names Inrac Itchobarn, but you can call me Arry. I've just opened up the shop down by the canel. I just thought I'd introduce me self as I was passing.
(Albert and Harold turn and grin at each other)
Harold:
Passing, how can you be just passing it's a dead end road. If you keeps going you'll end up in the (almost whispering the word) canal. (again Harold turns and grins at his Father) Ear you sound more British than I do. (taking the mick) What can we do for yer?
Arry:
Well mate's, see I've got a hole loada shops round this area, bout twenty in all, including the Bob Shops, you know, everyfing a shilling the New Deli chain and Arry's Cornerposts. I was just wondering if we can do a little business with each other. No wat I mean mate. (his accent sounding ridiculous)
Albert:
(Having realized what stores Arry owns looks all worried and whispers out loud to Harold) Oh my gawd, he's after all me slate money. (Turns to Arry and in an annoyed voice) Business, how the hell can we help you mush? We deal in scrap, you know, rags, metal, things like that. (beckoning with his hand around the yard) You sell grub. Go on, clear off (pointing to the gates) and we ain't your mate's.
Harold:
(stepping in between Albert and Arry) Do excuse my Father; he's just got out his bed the wrong side this morning. Pater, go and squeeze the grapefruits and lay the breakfast table, I will be in, in a moment.
Albert:
(Again, whispering out loud) Get rid of him Harold, bleeding locusts. (Albert walks off cursing)
Harold:
I am most sorry. Pray, let me introduce ourselves.
Arry:
No offence mate, I got an old git like that at ome me self.
Harold:
Excuse me; he is not an old git. (thinks about it) Well actually he is an old git, ha, ha. Please, I am Harold Steptoe (shaking his hand) and my father is Albert. Albert Steptoe and this is.......(looks around) one of our depots. Like he said we deal in Antiques, works of art, fine porcelain, plus occasionally the odd Rag and Bone. We pays a very fair price.
Arry:
Do you deal in paper?
Harold:
Paper, er yes we deal in paper. As a matter of fact we are just about to collect a bulk load from the dog....err I mean the suppliers ready for distribution.
Arry:
Distribution, great, so let's see, from the top of the chain, it will be panned out and then delivered down to the bottom?
Harold:
Well, close, close. Just that this consignment is more from the bottom, to the pan and then the chain. (miming a chain pull with his arm and laughing to himself)
Arry:
(looking confused) I'm sorry, I don't get it. Are we talking a paperwork exercise?
Harold:
We most certainly are mate. We most certainly are. Ha, ha ha.
Arry:
What I need is an outlet for all my leftover newspapers each week. They used to go back to the suppliers but now the rouges are charging for this service.
Harold:
I don't see how we can help you Mr Itch..o..bang, err bum, err bin.
Arry:
Itchobarn. No Arry, look, please call me Arry.
Harold:
(thinking quickly) Arry, see we deal in paper, but only plain paper. (thinking he's got away with it)
Arry:
Oh that's also very good as I have a great deal of plain paper and cardboard to dispose of each week.
Harold:
Now look here Mr err, Mr Arry, we ain't bleeding dustman.
Arry:
I wasn't suggesting for one minute you were, it's just that my shops churn out a great deal of waste which at present is costing me an arm and a...a foot to get rid of. I was thinking that maybe your company could collect it, and sell it direct to the paper mills. Ow you say, I pays a very fair price, that way I'm quid's in and so are you, from both ends, no what I mean. (winks his eye)
Harold:
Yer, I can see yer point. Look, I'll tell you what, come back about 5ish this afternoon, come in and we'll talk about it over a drink. I know, tell yer what, I'll get a curry in. Your boy's av got a very nice shop down by the new fly-over.
Arry:
Please Harold no, that curry, it's so Indian. I'd prefers a plate of our good ol fish an chips me ol mate.
Harold:
Yer, course, I'm sorry. Look me an me dad has got to make that collection this morning. (looking at his watch) I really must bid you farewell
Arry:
O.k. I understand Harold. I'll be back around five. Later me old mucker.
Harold:
Yes, yes, later to you to.................me ol ...........mucker. (farewell handshake)
(Arry leaves the yard while Harold goes in for his breakfast)
Scene 4: Dog-track.
Harold and Albert are parking the horse and cart by the rear doors of the deserted dog-track stadium.
Harold:
We ain't late are we dad. (seeing no-one about)
Albert:
No, he told me half ten, it's only ten past. (peeping at Harold's watch)
Harold:
I bin thinking, I reckon a 100 boxes, all containing 100 rolls, I just don't think we'll get em on in one go even with them greedy boards on there. (turns and looks in the cart)
Albert.
Just have to do a couple of trips then won't we? Dunno what yer problem is it's only a couple of miles.
Harold:
Well I ain't loading this thing to the hilt; gawd the fuzz'll take one look at us and think (talking in a policeman type voice) "ello, promotion time coming up." Let alone what the animal right's would do if they clock us.
Albert:
Only bog rolls, there ain't no weight in that, is there?
Harold:
I know that and you know that, but them out there, they don't, do they?
Albert:
Blimey, you youngsters ain't sin nothing. I can remember one day back in 1941, during the war it was. I was trotting down Ladbroke Grove on me way back from Holland Park with this cart overflowing. Must av ad a good three ton on it. Nearly wore out a new set of brakes in one journey.
Harold:
Three tons, gawd you don't half talk a load of old crap sometimes don't yer. I set a brakes over three miles, what do you take me for?
Albert:
God's honest son, I swear on yer Mother's grave. Gawd bless her. It was all the bomb craters. Bloody holes everywhere. No sooner ad you dodged one hole when you was on another. Well what with that, plus the fact I was being chased. Stands to reason, dun it? Only got away cos an air raid started.
Harold:
Chased, chased by who?
Albert:
Gawd...............err the A.R.P.
Harold:
(sounding shocked) The A.R.P.Why, what had you done?
Albert:
(looking worried) Struth, I just knew you were gonna ask that.
Harold:
Come on, you can tell me, I'm your son, blimey dad it was 29 years ago.
Albert:
(in a make him feel sorry for me voice) 29 years, only seems like 9, we were desperate son, times were hard, no food about and what little there was, was either rationed or on the black market. (in a much louder voice) You should've seen the prices, bleeding twisters, daylight robbery. And I ad to feed you, god knows that was like feeding another horse, cor you were an hungry gutted sod.
Harold:
Don't you blame me for this, gawd I was only 12 years old and another thing, I looked like a poxy skeleton at that age. No, no don't you dare blame me.
Albert:
Well one day me and Ernie Scutt, do you remember him? He worked down the Thames Docks, we hatched this plan together. One night whilst loading the boat he held back a couple of pallets and under the cover of darkness we loaded em on the cart.
Harold:
You mean you nicked em, don't yer.
Albert:
I wouldn't av quite put it like that son. We fully intended to share em out. Hey, a bit like Robin Hood, ay.
Harold:
No, nothing like him. Share what out?
Albert:
(Albert pauses)..................Red Cross parcels........ All 200 of em.
Harold:
(Horrified) Red Cross parcels....(repeats) Red Cross parcels; I don't believe.........you, you thieving bleeding toe-rag. That is despicable. That's like nicking sweets from a little baby. How could you. They were on route to our brave troops. While they were out there, belly's rumbling, dodging bullets, fighting for our King and country, you was back ere nicking their grub. Well that does it.
Albert:
Ahh shut up, I didn't see you complaining with all them chocolate bars. You were top dog in the school playground. In-fact you lived like a king for a while. (big smile reminiscing) All the Totters ad a share out, corr we ad a right old knees-up that weekend.
Harold:
An all that time I was swapping comics an dog-ends with nicked chocolate bars and tin's of peaches. No wonder you had so many fag's in your secret hidey hole. (Albert looks shocked realising Harold knew where his secret place was) You've shamed the Steptoe name dad, you really have. What would my mother av thought of this?
Albert:
Don't know what the fuss is, as a matter of fact she'd have been quite proud of me. See it was actually her idea. She'd planned it during the 14-18 war.
Harold:
(looking up to the sky) Lord, give me strength, please, please forgive him.
(Just then the back doors of the track unbolt from inside and swing open with a kick. Lenny and a young lad appear)
Lenny:
Morning chaps. Nice to see yer. Bang on time Albert (looking at his watch) It's good to see yer again Harold, been a while, ain't it?
Harold:
(under his breath, as they jump off the cart) Not long enough as far as I'm concerned.
Lenny:
This is young George, he's fresh outta school.
Harold:
(under his breath again) Yer, knowing you, borstal more like. (Albert nudges him)
Lenny:
Your stuff is just in here gents, (pointing back at the doors) what I'll do is leave young George here with Albert and he'll give yer a hand loading them on the cart. (walking up to Harold and taking his arm) If you wanna come with me Harold I got something you will be very interested in. (almost dragging Harold off)
Albert:
Go on son, I'll be alright here. I'll see yer in a minute.
Harold:
Alright, but just remember what I said dad, don't overload the cart.
(Harold and Lenny walk off while Albert and George start loading the cart)
(Half an hour later Harold and Lenny return back to the cart. Albert and George are sitting on a bench. Harold looks at the sheeted and laden cart, Lenny walks over to George, Albert walks over to Harold)
Harold:
Blimey dad, surprised you bunged a sheet over it, it ain't for-cast rain.
Albert:
Young George's idea. I thought it made sense, don't want any falling off. Did Lenny show you anything interesting?
Harold:
Don't know really, 500 dirty dog's beds, quite good quality rag an all. He's asked us to make him an offer. I said I'd think about it and let him know. Good, I'm glad to see you didn't overload it. (pointing at the cart) What time we meeting them back here for the rest of the stuff?
Albert:
Well unless your coming back to pick up them beds, we ain't, we got it all in one go.
Harold:
(shocked, staring at the cart) What, you telling me that there's 10,000 bog rolls on there? There can't be, can there? Gawd if that's the case no wonder they've gone for bigger sizes........ Tight gits.
(Lenny walks back over)
Lenny:
(holds out his hand to shake farewells) Well goodbye gentlemen, it's been a pleasure doing business with yer. Let me know what yer think about all that rag Harold and (holding an imaginary phone to his ear) give us a tinkle if you want em. (shakes hands)
Albert:
(full of smiles) Tud dar for now mate, (sticks his thumb up to George) cheers son. See yer again.
Harold:
(much more subdued, almost showing his dislike for Lenny) Yes, thank you, thank you very much Lenny, I'll let you know. (smiles at George)
(Harold and Albert climb on the cart and leave the stadium. On route back to the yard Hercules sheds a shoe, so the men have to call out their blacksmith to fit a new one. Albert is cross With Harold for not checking Hercules feet. They finally arrive back at the yard around 4.00 pm)
Scene 5: Steptoe's Yard.
Harold and Albert enter the yard with the loaded cart.
Harold:
Gawd that Arry geezer's due at five, he's gonna av to take us as he finds us, we ain't got time to clear up the place now. We gotta get this cart unloaded, if he's on time we've only got about half hour, ol no, and I've promised him some grub. Right, where the bleeding hell we gonna put all this stuff?
Albert:
I've cleaned the far stable; it's quite dry in there. You back the cart up to the doors; we'll soon av this lot off. (Albert jumps down)
Harold:
(as he's turning the cart round) Always the same init. Poxy horse. I promised me-self half an hour of pure bliss when I got back with this lot. I've even bought me-self a new magazine. I just fancied sitting on the throne, indulging in a classy crossword and finishing off with a soft gentle wipe. Now that's gone for a Burton.
Albert:
Bleeding hell, I wish you'd stop moaning....... Stop, stop. That'll do yer. Right lets get this stuff off. (Harold locks the cart, jumps down and both men start undoing the ropes and sheeting) You put the horse away Harold, I'll make a start here.
(Harold put's Hercules away and returns to help Albert who is struggling with the sheeting)
Harold:
Bloody silly idea bunging this sheet on.
Albert:
I weren't gonna son, but that George was most insistent, funny really for such a young'en. (they pull the sheet off to reveal the boxes)
Harold:
(stands and stares at the plain brown boxes looking confused, on the side of each box is a serial number 2216 and the letters: T. Rolls x 100) Funny, are you sure he said there was a hundred rolls in each box?
Albert:
Yep, that's what he said son.
Harold:
Well they must be bloody small rolls. Didn't you open one up an have a look down the track?
Albert:
I was gunna, but that George said they were in a hurry and if I wanted him to lend a hand, I would need to pull me finger out. Why? (Albert looking all worried)
Harold:
I think we'd better open one and av a look. (pulling a penknife from his pocket)
Albert
(lifts a box from the cart) What you saying Harold?
Harold:
(Cut's the centre tape; slowly peels back the lid, peeps inside and quickly shuts the box) Oh my gawd. Oh my good gawd.
Albert:
(looking horrified) What is it Harold, tell me. Please tell me. It says toilet rolls on the side. (pointing)
Harold:
(stands up quickly staring at his father with rage) Where? (pointing at the box) where does it say toilet rolls? Come on, show me?
Albert:
On the side son, there, it says (both speak together) T. Rolls x 100
Harold:
(reaches down to the box and fumbles inside, takes an item out and hands it to Albert) Here you go Albert, Albert bleeding Einstein. (gives him a tiny roll of paper about 2 inches wide) bung that in the karsey. We been tucked up mate. You, I'll say it again, YOU have bought 10,000 TILL ROLLS, not toilet rolls. Them machines they were charging were the poxy betting machines.
Albert:
(backing up across the yard, staring at the till roll in his hand, mouth wide open) He did say toilet rolls, honest Harold; at least I'm sure he did.
Harold:
I knew it, as soon as you mentioned that Lenny mush, I knew it'd go wrong. No wonder he didn't want me to load the cart, he knew I'd sus it. That's why that other one wanted you to sheet the cart, just so I wouldn't see it. We been set up dad........... You wait till I get old of him. Gawd, Gawd, (stamping his feet) why is it always us?
(at that moment Arry walks across the yard, dodging horse dung with his shiny shoes, walks up to Harold and announces himself. Making Harold jump, Albert looks on)
Arry:
(again in his stupid Indian Cockney accent) Afternoon me ol chums, (silly grin, glancing at the loaded cart) see you's working hard. Sorry I'm a bit early, I ad a cancellation round dinner time.
Harold:
(Looking stunned) Err, hello mate, sorry we ain't been and got any grub yet. We're just having a slight stock problem. (growling at his dad)
Arry:
Don't mind me, me ol muckers, I've just.... (Arry stops talking when spying the boxes on the cart)..... corr stone me crows, didn't know you stocked till rolls. 2216's an all, I use them in all me shop's. Rare as rocking horse dung to get hold of. Old stock you see, Wow you got undreds of em. Tell yer what, if the price is right I'll av the lot off yers. Ow much do yer knock them out for?
(Harold stares at Albert, Albert walks back to the cart, both look at the boxes then turn grinning at Arry. Albert goes to speak, Harold stops him.)
Harold:
Let me see, 100 rolls in each box. At 3d a roll..........errr (calculating hard in his head)
Arry:
(Interrupting) 3d a roll, cor blimey mate; they want 10d a roll down the wholesalers, and that's if they can get em.
Harold:
(Looking up from his finger counting) Do they? (trying to stay calm). Tell yer what Arry. There's 100 boxes there, all with 100 rolls inside, you take the lot at 3d a roll, that's £1 five shillings a box. All told (looking up to the sky) that's £125 pound the lot. Tell yer what we'll even deliver them for a £125 so long as it's cash, seeing as you're a mate and all that.
(Grins, turns and looks at his father, who is standing there staring at Arry in shock)
Arry:
You're a diamond me old mucker. I'll av em, I'll av em all. Can you deliver them to me warehouse tomorrow. (pulls out a wad of money from his pocket and starts counting)
Harold:
Please, please Arry. Come inside, lets not count that out in the yard, err I mean depot. Father would you like to re-sheet that load. I'll make out a delivery note for tomorrows schedules. (winks at his dad and walks off with Arry.) ......... Now about this paper collection Arry....... (fading off as they walk into the house)
Albert:
(just standing there, dumb founded, jaw almost on the ground shaking his head)
The jammy little devil. He he he he he he.
THE END
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