Steptoe and Son. era 2009
The Intruder: Colin French 2009
Scene 1: In Lounge.
Albert watching TV, Harold at his desk, listening to Beethoven with his dads IPod, around 11pm, on a cold winter's night.
Harold:
(removes headphones, rubs hands together), Cor its bleeding freezing in here, dunno about you dad, but I'm off up the wooden hill, least I can warm up in bed. You coming up?
Albert:
I'll be up in a while, just wanna see the end of this program.
Harold:
(standing up spies the tele) What the hell you watching?
Albert:
Teletubbies, he he, that purple one reminds me of you, he's so cock sure of himself, always thinks he's right, here get yer-self a suit like that and you won't complain about the cold.
Harold:
Very funny, ha, ha, if I wore a suit like that I wouldn't need to worry about the cold, I'd be locked up in a nice warm nut-house. What What channel is poisoning your mind with such utter rubbish anyway?
Albert:
(looking sheepish) It's on our new Free view box, I had it installed today whilst you were out on the rounds.
Harold:
You did what, without even consulting me….. I see and how much did it cost?
Albert:
It, it didn't cost me anything, like I said it's free view, all we have to pay is £16.00 a month after a 3 month trial; and they set it up for nothing. Please let me keep it Harold, at least for the 3 months anyway. I need it I get lonely stuck ear all day on my own. It's alright for you, you have all them people to talk to out on the rounds.
Harold:
You bin conned mate, hardly free view is it. I tell you what if that stays, you can pay for it out your own pocket, (pointing at his dad) but if I come home after slogging my guts out and me dinner ain't ready cause you been stuck in-front of it all day, then I'll, I'll throw it on the scrap pile, right.
Albert:
O.k. O.k. Why don't you have a look at what channels you can get, you'd be amazed? There's channels for every race and religion you could think of.
Harold:
Very fitting for this area then, I tell yer it's got so bad that even Bert's café now serves nan bread with yer full English.
Albert:
Go on Harold, have a look, you might change your mind if you did.
Harold:
NO. I do not wish to partake in your slovenly ways; you just remember what I said mate, if there's no dinner when I get home it goes; now I wish to go to bed. Good-night father.
Albert:
(as Harold is about to shut the door he says in a loud voice) It picks up all the porn channels you know.
Harold:
(looks back wide eyed) Schush, keep it down; we don't want all the neighbours to hear do we. Err does it really, what real porn? (asking inquisitively)
Albert:
Yer, the full Monty, every subject you can think of. He he.
Harold:
No, no, no, I do not wish to know thank-you very much. I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now don't you be up all night polluting that dirty little mind of yours. Just remember you have work as well tomorrow, huh, that's a joke on its own.
Scene 2: In Harold's bedroom.
Around 2.30am. Albert rushes in almost out of breath.
Albert:
Harold, Harold, wake up, oh please wake up.
Harold:
(still half asleep) What, what is it?
Albert:
There's some-one out in the yard.
Harold:
What, what do you mean there's some-one out in the yard.
Albert:
I was just coming up to bed, been watching one of them old films, smashing, all about this big hairy thing, corrrr, (reminiscing) when there was a hell of a crash out-side. Frightened the bleeding life out of me, put me right off me stroke.
Harold:
I bet it did, you should be ashamed of yourself a man of your age.
Albert:
No really son, there is some-one out there.
Harold:
Who the hell would be out in our yard at (looking at his clock) 2.30, on a freezing cold morning like this. Probably the horse jumping up and down, trying to keep warm.
Albert:
The horse. Oh my gawd, that's just reminded me, there's been a spate of rustling going on in the district lately.
Harold:
Rustling, don't make me laugh.
Albert:
I tell yer Harold, it's true. They were warning us about it on breakfast T.V. the other day.
Harold:
This ain't the bleeding Wild West mate; besides we must have the only horse around here for miles. You really gotta stop watching so much tele dad.
Albert:
Oh please son, go and have a look, don't let em get away with Hercules.
Harold:
(as he jumps out of bed) Stone me. Right turn the lights out, keep the noise down and stay right behind me.
Albert:
Right behind you, you must be joking, I'm an old man, I won't be any use to you.
Harold:
Are you ever? Now be quiet.
Scene 3: Both standing in the dark at the top of the stairs listening.
Albert:
It might be 'cooking fat' from next door, chasing mice or something.
Harold:
Who the hells 'cooking fat?'
Albert:
You know, next doors mangy old tom cat, poxy things always round hear scrounging, needs a boot up the backside.
Harold: (sniggering to himself)
You wanna wash your ear-holes out mate, next door ain't calling it 'cooking fat' their shouting fu…… (loud clatter from yard)… shush, did you hear that?
Albert: (Moving closer to Harold)
See, told yer, there is some-one out there.
(both start to walk down-stairs, suddenly Albert turns and heads for his bedroom)
Harold:
Ow mush, get back here now, you're coming with me.
Albert:
But I'm scared Harold, I done my time all them years ago, surely you can't expect me to defend us, not at my age.
Harold:
Up over the top from them trenches, yer right, you never did say which direction you legged it did you.
(Albert sneers)
Scene 4: Both enter living room, put on coats and boots, Albert grabs a walking stick and Harold picks up a torch and his rounder's bat, swinging it with gritted teeth.
Harold:
Right, come on dad, let's sort this out.
Albert:
Let's be careful son, might be a whole gang of em, may-be we should call the police.
Harold:
Just pipe down and stay close behind me.
Scene 5: The Yard.
They creep into the hall and open the back door slowly peeping out into the deserted yard. Albert points to the slightly ajar stable door. As they creep towards it Albert clings onto Harold's arm, Harold shrugs him off. Harold takes a deep breath, leaps forward and opens the stable door, turns on his torch and swinging his bat shouts…
Scene 6: The Stable.
Harold:
Right, whoever you are, you are completely surrounded, come out quietly and you won't get hurt.
(Complete silence, Harold shines his torch around the stables.)
Harold:
No-one hear dad, but it looks like they were. Look over there.
(torch shone on a large bundle stacked up in the corner of stable)
Albert:
What the bleeding hell is it?
Harold:
Ow the hell am I suppose to know, I'm not Mystic Meg am I.
(Both slowly walk over to inspect. The bundle begins to move.)
Harold:
Woooooow, I'm out of here.
Albert:
So am I.
(both run outside)
Scene 7: The Yard.
Harold:
Quick, quick, shut that door before it gets out. (Albert shuts door and bolts it) What the bloody hell was that? And what's more, what's it doing in our stable in the middle of the night?
Albert:
Oh Harold, let me call the police, it can't get out of there now. Can it?
Harold:
Gawd I wish I knew, lets get in quick, I need a drink.
Scene 8: Back in Lounge.
Both rush back in the house. Harold starts swigging from a bottle of scotch, starts coughing. Albert rolls himself a cigarette lights it and starts coughing.
Albert:
Well, what we gonna do now then? I suppose we could go barging in through the door howling and jeering just like they do in the films, might frighten the life out of it.
Harold:
O.K. you led the way then Rambo, I just hope you like hospital food.
Albert:
Bah….. So what the hell are we gonna do then, we can't leave it locked up for good, we'll need to get the horse out in a few hours.
Harold:
I blame you for this situation you know.
Albert:
Oh here we go, every-things always my fault.
Harold:
If you'd have done you job properly in the first place, we wouldn't be in this state.
Albert:
What are you on about?
Harold:
Does locking up the front gates at night ring any bells? Ol no, you'd rather sit in front of that thing all night (pointing at the TV) clicking through channels watching anything from Jelly Tubbies to 3rd world soaps like Middle East-Enders. Gadgets', it's got to stop dad.
Albert:
Your quite capable of locking the bleeding gates as well, you can't blame me.
Harold:
(picks up a rota list from his bureau, slaps it with the back of his hand) Look hear mate, it clearly states in this list, and I quote: Item 3, Lock up gates at night = Dad.
Albert:
Well I do normally, but tonight I was side tracked with our new Free view.
Harold:
Our new free view. No, no mate, your free view, I told you before I don't……Ol sod this, we have gawd knows what locked up in our stable and here we are, 3.00 O'clock in the morning rowing about the poxy television.
Albert:
You don't think it's another one from the prison, do you Harold, I was only talking to an inmate the other night. Evil sod he is.
Harold:
How could you be talking to one if he's banged up?
Albert:
On the internet, we had web cams going an all, very interesting, he was torturing one of the wardens with thumb screws he'd made in cookery lessons.
Harold:
Thumb screws in cookery err, ol why do I ask?
Albert:
He was trying to force the gate codes out of him, fantastic clarity I was getting, better than watching Coronation Street. Apparently he does a regular spot every Tuesday and Friday. It's called 'The Prisoner'
Harold:
Oh I can't wait. Pray, please do remind me when it's about to start, I'm sure it will be most stimulating.....No, it ain't from the Scrubs, Ever since those two a few years back, it went round the whole prison that all escapees should avoid this place like the plaque. Turned out you were better off in solitary confinement than this gaff.
Albert:
Well who, or what is out there in our stable? I don't like it Harold, I don't like this one little bit. Hey, may-be it's from another planet.
Harold:
What, don't make me laugh, you don't half talk a load of old twaddle sometimes, Aliens, whatever next.
Albert:
You mock go on, I tell yer what; Charlie Millers brother George once caught an alien when they demolished the old Fine Fare store down the high street.
Harold:
What that crook, well he would, wouldn't he? ha, ha.
Albert:
They never got any evidence though, seems it escaped at the last moment.
Harold:
Yer, course it did, right little Houdini's them things.
Albert:
It did explain one thing though; apparently the stores takings and stock had been going missing for years. Course the alien got the blame.
Harold:
Well they would blame it wouldn't they? That E.T. he was always raiding the fridge.
Albert:
George said it'd been living in the basement for gawd knows how long.
Harold:
Go on; no don't tell me, it had a parking bay out the back for his space-ship, didn't it? Ha ha
Albert:
Go on, you mock, but you never know…… Funny thing was, George had been the manager at Fine Fare for years, you'd have thought he'd have bumped into it at some stage wouldn't you?
Harold:
(Hand to his shaking head mumbling to himself) On my gawd, he is so bleeding thick sometimes. He'll believe anyone.
Albert:
(all excited) Yes, maybe that's it, perhaps we caught an alien, cor blimey, wait till I tell them down the Skinners.
Harold:
Oh I can see the headlines now… Totters Trap Terrestrial in Scrap Yard… Turn it in mate; you'll have Spielberg down here next.
Albert:
Suppose it is something evil, it might be out there right now tucking into a nice juicy horse leg, (Albert grabs Harold's arm) Oh Harold we've got to do something, even if it's for the horse's sake.
Harold:
(making circular pointing motions towards the ceiling) Well, off you go then Arnie, but you mind it don't beam you off to another planet.
Albert:
(grumbling) Sarcastic little bleeder. Wait a minute, (quickly standing up) wait a minute, cor blimey I'd almost forgot, also while your were out today I had that polish firm from across the road, you know Camski's Security fit me a CCTV security camera out in the yard.
Harold:
You did what, now you are taking the Mickey, ain't you?
Albert:
Well what with all the talk of rustling I thought it would be a good idea just to keep an eye on the place, you know, plus I can see what the customers are up to if I'm in doors. Thieving little bleeders I can tell yer.
Harold:
You mean keep an eye out to see when I arrive home more like.
Albert:
Oh, I hadn't thought of that.
Harold:
I bet you hadn't, Go on, you were saying, get to the point.
Albert:
Well what with the new free view and all that I clean forgot all about it.
Harold:
For crying out loud, forgot about what?
Albert:
It's just whatever the camera picks up it records to that disc down there. (pointing to the bottom of the television)
Harold:
Hang on a moment, you mean (pointing to the yard then the recorder) we can rewind it and see who, or what sneaked in the yard earlier.
Albert:
Yer that's right. Good idea wasn't it?
Harold:
Cor blimey mate, what are we waiting for, come on turn it on, and lets av a butchers.
(Albert selects the right remote control, turns on the television and pushes play on the cam recorder but nothings happening)
Harold:
Come on, come on hurry up.
(Albert pushing buttons on the remote but still seems to be getting nowhere)
Harold:
(beside himself with anticipation) What are you doing, the horse will be completely eaten if you don't get yer finger out.
Albert:
I'm sorry Harold but I can't remember the password to get into the disc drive.
Harold:
You dozy great pillock, why the hell didn't you write it down, or something.
Albert:
That's it, that's the password. Pillock, right here we go.
(the camera springs into life and Albert starts pushing remote buttons to scan the yard.)
Harold:
Well that all looks normal. Let's rewind and have a look earlier.
Albert:
Right, what time shall we take it back to?
Harold:
Err what time did you hear the first bang.
Albert:
About 2.20.
Harold:
Take it back to about 2 ish, and then fast forward it. (Albert enters scan times, both watch the fast moving picture when…..) Stop. Did you see that dad, Some-one just came out and back in our stable, go even earlier than 2.00.
(again with both staring at the picture when….)
Albert:
Look, there. (pointing to a fast moving figure coming in the gates and crossing the yard)
Harold:
Quick stop there. (Albert stops the searching picture and selects normal play) Well, and who the bleeding hell is that? Pause it a mo dad.
(Both men walk up to the television and stare at the dull figure)
Albert:
Well there's one thing, it ain't from outer space. Most certainly human.
Harold:
Can we zoom in on this set-up?
Albert:
Sorry Harold, the Poles wanted another fifty quid for that model. Told um to stuff it.
Harold:
Sod it. Here what's he up to. Cheeky sods nicking our rags. (figure is sorting through a bag of rags in the yard)
Albert:
Don't know about you Harold but you sure that's a bloke, it's sort of dressed like a bird, even walks like one too. What has it got on?
Harold:
He don't look that big a bloke does he? I reckon we should just go storming in there and sort this out once and for all. (picking up his torch and bat)
Albert:
Right, I'm ready if you are.
Scene 9: The yard.
Both men head back out into the yard and cross to the stable door.
Harold:
(Whispering in Albert's ear) O.K. on the count of three. One, two, three, go.
(Albert opens the door and Harold rushes in. Albert shuts the door and bolts it pushing his ear to the door)
Scene 10: Back in the stable.
Harold:
(shouting back at his dad) You lousy bleeder.
(Looking into the stables and shining his torch about) whoever's in here, I ain't mucking about. Give yerself up now and no-one will get hurt.
Voice in stable:
Harold, Harold, is that you?
Harold:
(Focusing on figure in corner) Yes it's me, and who the hell are you and how do you know my name? (Figure moves towards Harold, Harold lifts his bat)
Voice in stable:
It's me Harold, you know, Percy the landlord from the Skinners.
(Harold shines torch in Percy's face)
Harold:
(sighs in relief) Thank gawd for that…..Dad, dad it's Percy from the Skinners Arms, you know the landlord. Now open this poxy door. I want a word with you. Christ Percy you've scared the living daylights out of us. What the hell you doing in here? Come on lets go inside.
(Albert unbolts the door and both Harold and Percy walk out)
Scene 11: In Lounge.
Harold sneers at Albert for locking him in. All three enter the living room.
Harold:
You sit down there Percy; I'll get you a drink. Drop of highland O.K.? (holding up the bottle)
Albert:
Yes please son.
Harold:
You get yer own. (snarling) Locking me in.
Percy:
Yes thanks' Harold. Look I'm sorry fella's; I got here so late last night I didn't want to wake yer. I was so blooming cold that I just had to find some-where to warm up, and seeing that I couldn't go back to the pub, I could only think of your nice warm stable. Sorry it's caused you so much trouble.
Harold:
Forget it Percy. So tell us, why the hell couldn't you go back to the pub?
Percy:
Well, that's another story, but seeing as you ask I'll try to explain it. Since Albert here showed me how to use the internet I suppose it's when my troubles started.
Harold:
(looks Albert up and down. Albert's looking all sheepish) Go on, go on.
Percy:
See, me and the missus have been going through a bad patch. She's found a few emails and what have yer……… (pause)
Harold:
What one's that the wife shouldn't have seen and all that.
Percy:
Blooming right she shouldn't have. Anyway tonight I went down the cellar to change the barrel of Totters Pride and whilst I was down there I noticed the computer was on, so I went on that site you told me about Albert, you know 'Tickled Minx' and well, I suppose I was gone longer than I thought….. (long pause)
Harold:
Then what happened?
Percy:
You do know what that website is all about don't you Harold?
Albert:
I do.
Harold:
(disapproving look at his father) Well I don't.
Percy:
It's not my fault really. My mum wanted a girl. She even called me Patsy for 10 years. Bought me doll's to play with and stuck me hair in pony tails. All the other kids took the mick out of me for years. That sort of thing leaves a lasting effect on you.
Harold:
Blimey mate. I would never have guessed.
Percy:
(Percy looking really embarrassed) So you see this Tickled Minx site is a chat-room, with webcams and loads of other Patsy's and Percy's all wanting to dress up for each other.
Harold:
What, and he recommended this site?
Albert:
I sorry Harold, I didn't know it was that bad, sides I would never have mentioned it had I known about poor ol Percy.
Percy:
(takes a large swig of his scotch) Don't worry about it Albert. You weren't to know. Anyway I suppose I got a bit carried away tonight, before I knew it I was chatting over the net to this 19 stone Japanese wrestler named John. There he is sitting there in his best lace nighty, hairy chest and all that when he asks me to pose for him. I had just managed to slip into the wife's best bra, knickers, stockings and suspenders and as I was just doing up the last strap in she walked.
Harold:
(looking straight at his father) I don't believe I'm hearing this.
(Albert doesn't look up).
Percy:
So you can see, can't yer, she knew I was up to something. Anyway without saying a word she opens the cellar doors and boots me out. There I am standing outside the pub, in the freezing cold, around closing time, in her best fishnets and underwear an all me customers are about to come out.
Harold:
Yer, yer, I can see your predicament Percy.
Percy:
Well I didn't hang about; I took one look at me-self and instantly thought of you Harold.
(Albert raise's a grin, but catching Harold's stern look, quickly wipes it off)
Harold:
Did yer, well thank you very much.
Percy:
Blooming nightmare getting here though, what with kerb crawlers and the Pink Dolphin boys trying to chat me up, I had to leg it most of the way. You ever tried running in high heels Harold? (pulling up his borrowed trousers and pointing to his feet)
Harold:
No Percy no, can't say I have.
Percy:
So glad when I got here and found you'd left a bag of rags out in the yard. Luck had-it I found some that fit me.
Albert:
Were good like that, ain't we son.
Harold:
Only to happy to oblige I'm sure.
Percy:
Dun no what I would have done if I'd had to sleep in just these stockings and suspenders all-night, these buckles don't half dig in yer. (as he pulls and adjusts the straps)
(Shocked look from the Steptoe's when they realise Percy's still got them on)
Harold:
Dad, fetch Percy a pillow and a couple of blankets will yer, he can sleep down here tonight.(Harold stands up almost in shock) Well I don't like to be rude but it is nearly 4 o clock, I must get some sleep. I'll see you later on this morning.
(Harold follows his father out the room)
Percy:
Yes thanks a lot you two. I'll make it up to yer, I promise.
Harold:
(quietly to his father) You wait till were on our own, I'm gonna get you for this you dirty old pervert. Tickled bleeding Minx…. Huh.
Albert:
I'm sorry Harold, really I am.
Harold:
Here dad. Where's that bleeding key for the lock on my bedroom door, I might just use that tonight.
(Harold goes to bed)
The End
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